Useful organisations

Talk about it

Sexual problems can affect your relationship and you may feel that talking about the problem is the last thing you want to do. We offer advice to help you approach your partner's erectile dysfunction problem with tact. Seeking erectile dysfunction advice as a couple may help you to become closer.

Over the past few years men's health issues are being given more attention by health professionals and there are many organisations that can offer help, advice and support with erectile dysfunction.

Finding a treatment for his ED is not the end of the story - - you need to support each other while you overcome sexual problems and nurture your relationship as you reconnect with your partner and discover how to be intimate again.

Erectile Dysfunction - Why won't he talk about it?

Why won't he talk about erectile problem?

Why is it so difficult for men to talk about a sexual problem? This is
particularly the case when it concerns impotence or ejaculation. Most men feel embarrassed and distressed when unable to fulfil their partner’s needs and see it as a reflection of their masculinity.

Some men believe that if they talk about the problem it will get worse, and they hope that next time everything will be fine. Some men may even avoid intimate contact with their partner.

Embarrassment and fear

“90% of men with ED do not receive treatment”

On average, men still wait up to two years before visiting their doctor about a sexual problem. Although the reason for this is mainly embarrassment, there is often also a fear that the doctor might find something seriously wrong with their general health.

Women probably find it easier because we are often asked by our doctors about contraception and our menstrual cycle. We also undergo vaginal examinations – for smears, for example – which give us the opportunity to talk about sexual problems.

That said, I don't think some of us find it very easy to talk about such personal matters.

Loss of masculinity

"Men just don’t feel masculine if they are unable to maintain an erection"

Men are very different creatures to us women. They don't go down to the pub and tell their friends that they couldn't get an erection last night or that they ejaculated prematurely. A male sexual problem is rarely shared with other men. Men just don't feel masculine if they are unable to maintain an erection.

In contrast, women tend to talk more openly to their friends about difficulties without feeling they are losing their femininity.

Fear of rejection

“We may be frightened that our partner no longer finds us attractive”

So how do we help men to talk about this sensitive and distressing event? I think women sometimes avoid talking about a sexual problem because we don't want to hear that the reason they have lost the erection may be due to us. We may be frightened that our partner no longer finds us attractive. We may also want to avoid any further embarrassment for our partner by bringing the subject up. However, avoiding talking about it may only lead to further problems in the long run.

Many of us take lovemaking far too seriously. Unless we talk we will never find a way of resolving the problem. I think the best way is to set aside a time when you will not be disturbed, think about what you are going to say and use the right language. After all, this is our approach in so many other aspects of our life so why should this be any different, particularly when it is about something so important.

Conversation techniques

It's important to use language you're both comfortable with. Avoid using technical terms like 'impotence' or 'erectile dysfunction' if you don't normally speak to each other like this. Use whatever terms feel most natural to you in your relationship.

Also, try to use the word 'I' or 'we' rather than 'you'. And start with a positive statement: this helps people to listen as everyone loves praise and knowing that they did something right.

For instance, you might say, ‘You remember a few days ago when we were making love and we had that wonderful foreplay where your touch was perfect? Then I noticed that you lost your erection for some reason. Being a woman I have no idea what that felt like, but I would like us as a couple to find a way of talking about this.’

It’s a good idea to sit close to one another. Don’t worry too much about maintaining eye contact but holding hands or making physical contact in a way which feels natural to you may help.

Discussing feelings

It is also important to explain your feelings about what has happened and to ask for his help in coping with the emotions you may be experiencing. Try explaining that you are worried it may be connected to your relationship and how he feels about you, or that you are concerned about his health.

Start by saying something like ‘I know this probably sounds silly but...’ continuing with your own concerns about the erection loss. Encourage him to do the same with you, as he is just as likely to be concerned as you are. In this way, you can act as a team to solve the problem, rather than both of you feeling worried but unable to tackle the issue because you fear raising the topic at all.

Most of all, don't panic or allocate blame. No man will talk openly if he feels that he is being blamed for the sexual problem.

Professional help

I would recommend that you suggest your partner sees his GP, especially since erection problems can often be an indicator of underlying illness like heart disease or diabetes. For some couples, a therapist trained in sexual problems may be helpful.

You may also want a copy of the free ManMatters ED information booklet for your partner ( or call Freephone 0800 0964348).